I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
