I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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