Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
