i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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