So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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