I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
