Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
