i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
