Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
