Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
