Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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