both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
