Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
17 year olds will be the death of me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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