I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
