i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Boobs speak an international language.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
