I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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