he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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