there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
