is your mom at the bar?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
