remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
