So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
