any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
