Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
