Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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