just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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