And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
