Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
