Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
