i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Green mimosas i think yes
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
