the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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