East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
