whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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