My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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