when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
