Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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