Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
