Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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