having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
