Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
