In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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