he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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