you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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