Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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