Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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