just come out here and I will go home with you...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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