Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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