I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
