I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
