her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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