I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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