I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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