Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didn't notice because vodka
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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