i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
