I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
