Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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