shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
