just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
