I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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