she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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