Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize